From the beginning.

 Hey pal, So this thing of finding myself seems to have turned to a therapy session, where I write all my thoughts. I don't even believe I'm writing, but hey, it's not all bad. I've been thinking about the people I'm attracted to, in a friendship way to be clear. They have things in common—the ones that fascinate me, the ones that make my day, the ones that make me want to be with the most. They have things in common: they are always kind without even trying; I mean, they lay low, have a small circle; they do have beliefs, but they don't rush to show them; they let you live your life without judging. But when you ask for their opinion, it's always, "I am not sure...but here's what I think..." But what I don't like about them is not giving me straight answers when I need one. I am a straight person; don't ask me to joke about anything. I am a straight shooter. I don't like it, but I own it. These are the men I like. But what if I wer...

 Hey, The whole point of these messages is to try to find myself, or at least that's what an important person advised me to do. To be honest, I prefer writing than thinking, why? Because if I stick to thinking, I wouldn't be alive today and nice thing is life would always continue as if nothing has happened, but I would in a peaceful place, where everything is quiet, I think I've done my part in this life, and im content with it in a way you wouldn't understand.  Let's write about family and home I think that's better. Scratch all that. So here I go... I don't usually connect well with my family; it's not a big deal, well, according to me. I swear that's wrong, or that's how the world and people around me see it. The thing is, wherever I go, I believe I make the most of it—not in this university, apparently, but I connect with whomever I've got at that moment. But I don't lose that connection easily. If we've really connected, I alway...

  Hey, Over the past two or three years, I've focused on understanding my own internal wiring.  I can't say for sure, but there is one thing that keeps happening: I, like everyone else, need to recharge every once in a while, and the best way for me to do so is to have a conversation with another kind person. Well, it was simple in my AS school because I had school friends and classmates, and in my first year I was staying at res, and I felt like I had a full battery; however, in my second year I saw fewer people, though I did meet some due to my housemates, and it didn't matter what we talked about, at least we talked.  This year I'm living on my own in a more student-free area of town, so I spend most of my time inside my room, eating, sleeping, and watching TV. It started eating me up inside. It's reached an extreme point; I don't even have the confidence in me to do anything . Simply putting it in writing to remind myself that "I was once at this point ...

  This might not be what you’ve expected and frankly I don’t expect you to understand anything. I was just a lost kid with no idea what I’m doing (just like what I’m doing now). Before the dream I had no mentor, no focus, everyday I woke up just because it’s another day.  The truth is, after the loss of my parents I had one person to look up to, my granny ,  gogoMsimango. She was magnificent, all loving, her smile was so different to all the smiles you’ve ever seen, she was the light. She had good intentions, every weekend she would tell me stories, some were fictional and some were just about my mother (I’ve never seen her, but she was cool). She took care of me in ways I couldn’t understand. I had little focus in school that time. Then I discovered I was kinda different than the rest when it comes to maths. She was pleased, I was too(not that much).  Then she passed too. It was all sudden.  All I remember is she went to check her blood pressure and n...