Namaste :)

 Hey,

The whole point of these messages is to try to find myself, or at least that's what an important person advised me to do.

To be honest, I prefer writing than thinking, why?

Because if I stick to thinking, I wouldn't be alive today and nice thing is life would always continue as if nothing has happened, but I would in a peaceful place, where everything is quiet, I think I've done my part in this life, and im content with it in a way you wouldn't understand. 

Let's write about family and home I think that's better. Scratch all that.

So here I go...

I don't usually connect well with my family; it's not a big deal, well, according to me.

I swear that's wrong, or that's how the world and people around me see it.

The thing is, wherever I go, I believe I make the most of it—not in this university, apparently, but I connect with whomever I've got at that moment.

But I don't lose that connection easily. If we've really connected, I always reach out. I always try, but most of the time I forget how people evolve. We are all different, and you can't expect people to be the same way you left them; that's just unrealistic.

Well, blame my senile brain for that..

I always try to reach out to people I've connected with, but not to my family; I don't know why.

Prior to semester vacation, people would complain about being here; they would say how much they miss home, but when you ask them what exactly they do back home, you'd be disappointed to        know—nothing.

I guess I do understand them to a certain extent; it's the same thing that happens to me when I have to come back from home; I just miss being on this side more than home. What is it that I do on this side? Nothing. I just feel like this is the best place to be honest. But I still want to travel overseas.

Hey, I don't have family issues, in case you were wondering.

Why don't I want to go home, why don't I miss them? I've been asked this question dozens of times. I have never answered that question before other than "I don't know, I can't say."
Well, I've got something for you today, I really hope this stays between us.

Perhaps I don't feel as inspired I would like to feel. I need inspiration, the ability to dream big without consciously trying. When I'm at home, I tend to zone out, my thinking capacity squeezes into a box.

 Even though I've been in a box this year without even going home, I just collapse into it and don't see the big picture.

That's why I send you all these notes. I am lost.

Did I mention that when it comes to success, I'm like a sponge? Avoiding failure and making sure I reach the "highly above average" level in life are all things I can do on my own. That's why I consider myself "average," and why people have always assumed I'm very bright. But what they don't know is that I usually associate with other bright minds. Our paths cross for no apparent reason, and other times I want to meet them because I know that somewhere inside that genius mind beats a generous heart. They're the reason I've been able to advance from "highly above average" to the next level of success. The people in my life have always been my rock, maybe more so than outsiders might think. But know this: the universe has a way of removing negative influences from my life, and for that I am eternally grateful. 

But hey, I promised myself that I'd always keep it short.

This year has been different—a whole lot more than you could imagine.

I really hope I will beat this thing and feel whole again.

This text isn't done yet, and I think there's more to staying here than home.

 I hope everything works out for you in this life.

-Z